It Ain't Me, Babe A Merry, Angsty Christmas Tale
by Proudofyoubabe
Summary: Actions DON'T always speak louder than words and sometimes a little self-preservation can get you into a whole lot of hot water. An eventual Babe HEA.


A little one-shot challenge from Margaret:)

_**It Ain't Me, **_**Babe**_**:**__**A merry, angsty Christmas tale**_

"That's it Ranger. I can't do this anymore. I'm outta here."

"Babe?"

"Don't 'Babe' me. This isn't working and it hasn't worked since day one. What if I told you _I_ wasn't into relationships? What if I told you _my_ love only came with condoms? Don't look at me with that fish face. Find someone else who'll give you the friends with benefits shit you seem to want. It ain't me. _Babe_."

I dumped the contents of my purse on his breakfast bar. I pulled out the trackers, apartment fob and keys to the Cayenne. I put everything back, closed up my bag and walked out.

Out of the apartment. Out of Rangeman and out of his life.

There. You see what it feels like, Batman.

My phone started ringing even before I made it one block by foot. I looked at the called ID. It was Ranger. Shit. And this was a _Rangeman_ phone too. Fuck you Mr. Hotshot. I took the phone and threw it as hard and as far as I could.

That was it. No more ties.

I had walked as far as the Bonds' office before I noticed a shiny, black Porsche 911 turbo one street back. It was keeping my pace. I didn't have to see who the driver was. I already knew.

I turned around and met the challenge head on.

"I said goodbye Ranger."

"Babe. What are you going to do, walk all the way to your apartment in the cold?"

"Yes. Now out of my way Ranger," I said and kept on walking.

He kept pace with me but followed a full block back. He didn't want me to think he was there, but I heard him. You can't miss the whine of a well-tuned high-performance engine.

I guess he finally got the message because as I turned onto my block, he was no longer behind me. Good. Then this was easier than I figured.

I opened the front door and made my way to the elevator. After walking almost four miles, I wasn't taking the stairs too. Mrs. Bestler was on duty. God Bless her slightly demented heart.

"Second floor, women's lingerie."

"Thanks Mrs. Bestler. Couldn't do it without you."

I opened the door, put my bag down on the kitchen counter and said hello to Rex. When I looked up I realized I wasn't alone. Ranger was sitting on my couch. His long legs were out in front of him. His fingers were steepled together. On the surface he looked calm, but I knew better. He was fuming.

"I said _goodbye_ Ranger. What are you doing here?"

No answer. Fuck. He was giving me the silent treatment. Ok I could give him the silent treatment right back.

I walked into my bedroom and stripped out of my clothes that were all sweaty from the long walk. I turned on my shower and got in. There was a fifty-fifty chance he'd still be there when I was done. I stayed under the hot water until it turned too cold to stand anymore. Guess it was time to face the music.

I wrapped my hair in one towel, wrapped another around me and opened the bathroom door. I peeped out first. Yep, he was still there. I went into my bedroom and put on some clean clothes. I looked out. Still there.

I went back to the bathroom to deal with my hair. I added my Mr. Alexander products and sectioned it off. I dried it piece by piece, wrapping the curls around my hand in soft loops as I went. If nothing else, I'd look gorgeous when I stepped out. Maybe he'd actually _see_ what he was going to be missing.

Once I was done, I put on mascara, a couple of swipes of blush and finally some lip gloss. I stepped out of the bathroom a new Stephanie.

Ranger was still there.

Are you going to sit there all night?" I asked. "I was hoping to watch some _Ghostbusters_ later and you're in my spot."

"Babe. I'm sorry."

"Sorry that you're in my spot? Time to move buster."

"I'm sorry that I hurt you."

"Oh well, I think it's a little too late for that. Why don't you call Morelli? You and him can compare notes. Blow job? _Check._ Missionary position? _Check._ Doggie style? _What do you mean _doggie style_, she never did that with me?_..."

"Stephanie please."

"And what are you still doing here? I thought I said goodbye."

"Stephanie, we need to talk."

"Yeah, yeah, talk, talk, talk. Nothing much has ever come from our talking."

"Babe. I love you."

"Yeah I know…_in your own way_. Been there done that. Uh uh no more."

"Stephanie. What do I have to do?"

"There's nothing you _can_ do. Time to go. Tick tock."

"How could this all just turn to shit in twenty minutes? One minute we were in my bed and the next my keys and trackers were in a neat pile on my counter and your cell phone was in pieces all over Haywood. What did I do?"

"What didn't you do buster?"

"I love you Stephanie."

"Sorry my heart only has so many rebounds. Felt we were getting close, so I left you before you dumped me. Only a matter of time. You said so yourself. _You'll have to leave eventually._"

"I did say that and I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was going to fall head over heels in love with you. I don't want you to leave and I wasn't planning on throwing you out. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Yeah. Then prove it. I gotta go, I have a date with a movie."

He left after that.

I made myself a peanut butter and olive sandwich then sat down on the couch. Fifteen minutes into _Ghostbusters_ I fell apart. What the hell did I just do?

I cried myself to sleep and woke up on my couch at 2 am to the sound of the _Ghostbuster's_ theme on a loop. The movie had ended a long time ago.

I wasn't quite sure _what _to do. Ranger had proclaimed his love but I'd insisted on making a fool of myself by standing my ground. Well, what's done was done and until I could come up with a good reason for my behavior I'd just stay away from Rangeman. It wasn't like I had much work to do for the next week or so anyway. It seemed like the skips had really skipped town.

Shit. There was that stupid Rangeman Christmas party on Monday. I'd promised Ella I'd help decorate. Well for once I'd have to go back on a promise. There was no way I could show up there now and there was no way I could ever show my face at that party, much as I wanted to see Tank in his Santa hat and Santos with antlers.

I'd decided to just go back to bed. I'd call Ella in the morning.

I woke up with a start. The sun was shining into my bedroom and my clock said 11:23. Guessed I'd really slept in. I got up to get on with my day. I showered and had a protein bar for breakfast. Ranger had left a box of them here a few weeks ago and as I had nothing else in my cupboards, they'd have to do. And then, since I had nothing to do and nowhere to go, I decided to do my Christmas shopping. I'd started a list a few weeks ago.

I found my list where I left it; stuffed into a catalogue. Angie wanted a Crazyloom and Mary Alice a Snuggimals horse. Val said Lisa wanted a Little People Pirate Ship. I could take care of all of those at Macy's. I had Grandma down for a video game for her Xbox. I'd have to spend time with the games to determine what couldn't get her into too much trouble and thankfully my friend Neil worked at GameStop. I'd already gotten my mom some trivets when Ranger and I were in the Home Goods store shopping for candles last week. And Ranger had gotten my dad an Army baseball cap the last time he visited the base, so I had that squirreled away for him.

Shit. I couldn't even do a Christmas list without Ranger's name popping up two or three times.

The tears started falling from my eyes again. Once I got myself under control I called Ella. Her phone went right to voicemail. Jeez, I guessed she already got the memo. I left a hurried message that I wouldn't be able to help out with the decorations and pulled my coat and boots from the closet. I was going to go Christmas shopping.

I grabbed my bag and trotted down the stairs. I did a visual search for my car then realized I'd left the Cayenne at Rangeman — keys and all. Well it's not like it was ever really _my_ car anyway.

I trudged back up the stairs and called my dad. I knew he drove the cab until lunchtime and I hoped he hadn't turned it in yet.

"Frank Plum," he answered his cell.

"Daddy do you sill have the cab? Can I get a ride to mom's? Unfortunately I'm going to have to ask grandma if I can borrow Big Blue again."

"Pumpkin what's the matter? Did something happen to that new Cayenne Ranger gave you? Are you ok?"

"No and no," I said. "The car is fine, it's in Ranger's garage. And I kind of acted stupid and irrational last night, so I'm not so fine."

"I was hoping you wouldn't be doing that on-again, off-again stuff with Ranger. I can see the way he looks at you. He really loves you Pumpkin."

That's when I lost it again.

"Stay where you are, I'll be over in five," my dad said, obviously hearing me sniffling before he disconnected.

_**Ranger's POV**_

I didn't know what to do and I was angry. I'd apologized, told her I'd never let her go and professed my love once again. She was so mad at me for _something_ that she just kept rambling on. I needed to figure out what I did. So instead of going to bed, I went down to the gym to beat the shit out of the heavy bag.

I was still going at it and my hands were bleeding when Tank came in at 4 am.

"Enough Rangeman. You're killing the bag and you're killing yourself. Want to talk?"

"No," I said giving the bag a final punch before heading to the showers. Unfortunately for Tank he followed me.

"No, I don't want to talk," I said again, taking a swing at his head. He ducked and I missed. Great. Now I'd have my brother in arms mad at me too.

Next thing I knew Bobby was in the showers with a syringe. I was suffering from an adrenaline drop and didn't have the energy to fight him off. Shit.

When I woke up I was cuffed to a bed in our holding pen. My head hurt and Bobby, Les and Tank were in the room with me. Tank had his arms crossed over his massive chest.

"Rangeman, since you're incapacitated, I'm in charge. That's always been the deal. And since I'm in charge, I'm ordering you to tell me what's going on. Little Girl's trackers are in your apartment, but she's not. The tracer on her phone was found in the middle of Haywood and her car is in the lot. Do I have to send men looking for her, or can you tell me what the fuck is going on."

"She got scared and bolted. I followed her to her apartment but she wouldn't talk to me. She told me it was too late for us…"

"Excuse me for butting in, but I thought things were going well? She was spending more time here at Rangeman than at her apartment? And I couldn't help but notice how much lighter and happier you were too. What did you fucking say to her to change everything?"

"Nothing…well at least not recently. I care about her a lot. Hell, I love her."

"Well we can't help fix something we don't know about," Lester butted in, "and I know you've said some weird shit to her in the past. She's told me, but it seems like whatever you said last night takes the cake. I've been calling her home phone since we noted the tracker thing, but she's not answering."

"She probably had it turned off. She does that so she can sleep. Her mother calls her at odd hours," I told them feeling the heartbreak all over again. Even spending time with Mrs. Plum was looking good at this very moment.

Lester pulled his cell out of his pocket and placed a call. He shook his head after a few minutes.

"Went right to voicemail."

"What time is it?" I asked needing to know how many hours had passed since Bobby shot me up.

"It's almost noon," Bobby said. "I gave you enough to knock out a horse. You were acting totally irrational and you took a swing at Tank. Don't you know the consequences of that?"

"Yeah," I said rubbing my aching temples.

_**Stephanie's POV**_

Rather than face my mother and her inquisition I had my dad drop me off at the Quaker Bridge Mall. I'd either call him when I was ready to leave or wait for the bus that came sporadically or not at all. I went to Macy's first, hoping inspiration would hit for a gift for Val and Albert. I walked through the Basement looking at household items and the other things the manufacturers were pushing this holiday. Most were out of my price-range but they gave me some fuel for thought. I went to the toy department and found all three of the things my nieces wanted. At least the trip wasn't a total loss.

I was just getting ready to head over to GameStop when two mountains of men caught my attention. It was Hal and Ram. What were they doing here?

I'd ditched my trackers at Ranger's and knew they couldn't have found me that way, so I imagined it was just coincidence. It was Christmas after all and they had families too.

I was also pretty sure the word had spread, after all Ella didn't take my call, so I turned around to walk in the other direction before they spotted me. Bad idea. Behind me were Manny and Brett.

Well I had to face one pair or the other so I took my chances with Manny and Brett. I was pretty sure they weren't as savvy to my self-preservation skills as Hal, who'd already been stunned by me with his own gun.

"Hey guys, what are you doing here?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Tank asked us to find you," Brett answered.

Shit.

"And why?" I asked pretending I knew nothing.

"He didn't give us a reason, but his asking was enough to put us on high alert. Are you ok? Can we take you to Tank?"

Normally seeing Tank would be a good thing, we were friends after all, but after last night I had a feeling I'd be confronted with stuff I'd rather not talk about right now.

"Uh no. I have things to do and places to be," I said, turning from them to bump right into Hal and Ram.

_**Ranger's POV**_

Shit my head hurt like a son of a bitch. I don't know what Bobby used but the side effects were harsh. He and Tank had left the holding pen together and I was now alone with Lester.

"Feel like talking Boss?" he asked as a phone rang somewhere. He pulled what suspiciously looked like _my phone_ out of one of his pockets. He looked at the caller ID and handed it to me.

It was Stephanie's father.

"Hello?" I asked, uncertain if I was going to be read the riot act all over again.

"Ranger, it's Frank Plum. Listen I don't like to interfere but I just drove Stephanie to the mall and I could tell she's been crying. I don't know what happened but the last we spoke you asked me for her hand and said you were going to pick out a ring. I'm hoping this has nothing to do with that."

"I'm going to put you on speaker Frank. I'm here with Lester Santos and he's asking me similar questions. Les, Steph is at the mall." Lester pulled another phone from yet another pocket and relayed that information up to someone.

"Yes, I was planning to ask Stephanie to marry me on Christmas. I guess I've been a little secretive lately working this out in my head and she's translated that into my planning to break up with her. Unfortunately she got herself all worked up and ran away. I tried to talk to her last night, but she threw me out."

"I have an idea," Frank said.

"Too late," Lester broke in. Ram and Hal have her and are bringing her to Tank.

"Shit," Frank Plum said loudly over the phone.

"What was your idea?" I asked anyway.

"To invite Stephanie to dinner and have you show up and talk to her."

"I saw her last night, there would be fireworks and then she'd be angry with you for butting in. No, maybe Tank _is_ my best bet. Maybe he could tell her the truth. Well, he could if he knew it."

"I can talk to her," Santos said. "We're friends, she'll listen to me. And congratulations by the way, I'm glad the better man won."

"Thank you, but the better man was_ always _going to win. And now I have the feeling I'm going to be proposing in front of an audience. Can you let me out of these restrains so I can at least take a shower?" I glared at Santos.

"Restraints?" Frank Plum said over the phone.

"The guys thought I was going to hurt myself, so they sedated me and cuffed me to a cot. Not the best night's sleep I've ever had. Thanks for the call Frank. I'll let you know how it goes."

"Good luck Ranger and you have our support."

"Means a lot. Thanks," I added before disconnecting.

Lester unlocked my restraints and I took the elevator up to seven. I fobbed myself in and the first thing I noticed were the trackers, car keys and the fob to my apartment that Stephanie had left on my breakfast bar. It made me feel sad all over again. But I knew she was in the building and that Tank and Santos were talking to her at this very moment. The second thing I noticed was the still-lit Christmas tree that Steph and I had chosen, cut down and brought into the apartment last week. My place had never had a tree before and buying lights and ornaments with Stephanie had made me happy. It was that day that I decided to make it permanent and called her father while she napped.

I'd picked out a 3-carat ring at Tiffany's and had it in my safe. I was hoping to surprise her with it on Christmas morning. I thought it would be the perfect stocking stuffer.

I went into my walk-in closet and using my retina scan opened the secure area behind my gun safe. It's where I kept all my important papers and medals. It was also where I hid Stephanie's ring. I picked up the blue box and took it out. I'd guessed Santos and Tank had had enough time to talk to Steph and I hadn't heard anything since, so I sent a quick one-word text to Tank.

"So?"

"Sew buttons on your underwear man. Santos just took her out for pizza and to finish her Christmas shopping. She was angry she was pulled from the mall, but that part has been taken care of. He'll text me when they pull into the garage and if all is well, I suggest you meet them at the elevator on bended knee."

"I don't do that shit."

"Might want to learn."

_**Stephanie's POV**_

I was surrounded. I could have kicked and screamed and called over a security guard, but with my luck the security guard would be a Rangeman contract worker and he'd know all five of us. Instead I looked up at my four mountains of men and followed Hal and Ram back to their car. Brett and Manny followed me so I couldn't double back. By the time we reached the Explorer I had pretty much made peace with what was happening. I knew I couldn't avoid Ranger forever and I guessed it was best to get everything out in the open.

In the car they told me what they knew, which was nothing. Only that Tank discovered I'd ditched my trackers and asked a few of the men to look for me. Hal, Ram, Manny and Brett volunteered.

When I initially wrote out my list, I had planned to get gifts for all my favorite Merry Men and now I knew why. They _were_ special. So depending on the next few hours the gifts may or may not be still in the works. And _someone_ better have some answers for me since they were the ones who dragged me out of the mall.

I was getting myself all worked up again.

They drove me to Rangeman and helped me up to five with my stuff. I still hadn't gotten the game for my grandmother and just to show how pissed I was about that _someone_ was going to go back to the mall with me. So there. Hmmph.

"God I need a donut," I said as we passed the breakroom.

"If I sneak you in a donut, will you promise not to stun me? " Hal asked looking really adorable.

"If you can sneak me in a donut yes, I promise not to stun you."

"Deal. After we drop you off in Tank's office, I'll go get you one."

"Make that a half-dozen and I'll promise to forget you ever abducted me in the first place."

He grinned and nodded and then the four of them surrounded me, knocking on Tank's door.

"Come in," he said and I noticed that they gave me no room to run. I had to belly up to the bar. Shit. Ok, I could do this.

I scanned the room for Ranger before I stepped inside.

"We have him cuffed to one of the beds in a holding pen. Bobby had to sedate him. Can you tell me what's going on?" Tank asked me after dismissing my bodyguards and locking the door behind them.

"Honestly?"

"Of course honestly, that's why I had the men bring you here."

"Ranger's been kind of distant lately and a couple of years ago he said… Oh shit I can't tell you this."

"Would it be easier to talk to Santos? I know you guys are tight."

Well at least I could talk about the bed thing with Lester. Maybe.

I nodded my head and Tank picked up his phone. Seconds later there was a soft knock on his door. Tank got up, let Les in and left. Lester locked the door behind him. Did they really think I was going to make a break for it and that they had to lock me in?

"Hey Beautiful, so do you want to tell me what's going on? You seem to have the entire office on pins and needles."

"I'm sorry Les," I began, thinking about how I wanted to phrase this. "I'd figured out that Ranger was planning to break up with me and my heart can only take so much, so I broke it off with him first. Then he followed me home and told me how much he loved me. It was hard to believe him. He once said…" and I burst into tears all over again.

I could see Santos balling his fists. It looked like he was ready to go down to the holding cell and beat the shit out of Ranger.

"Stephanie, do you know what he's _really_ been planning?"

"Well I thought it was how to end stuff with me."

"Beautiful, you two have been so happy together, why would you even think that?"

"Because he's gotten quiet and secretive again. I'd pretty much got him out of his shell and then like bam, just like that, he shuts down again."

"Stephanie, he was planning to propose to you on Christmas."

"What?" This was the first I'd heard about that. If he'd been talking it up I would have known.

"He called your father and asked his permission and he bought you a ring. If you don't believe me, here…call your father," he said offering me his phone.

I took it and dialed my parents' house because I knew he'd be at home and have his cell turned off. Of course my mother answered.

"Stephanie? It's your mother," she said and I laughed. Who else would it be? _I _placed the call.

"Hi mom, is daddy there?"

"Hold on," she said putting her hand over the receiver and calling my father to the phone.

"So is it true?" I asked without saying hello.

"Is what true, Pumpkin?"

"That Ranger called you and asked you if he had your permission to ask me to marry him?"

"He did. Yes, it's true. Did you get everything you needed at the mall?"

What a strange answer. And I was about to tell him so when it hit me. My mother was standing right next to him trying to listen in.

So instead I said, "So when Ranger called you and asked you for my hand in marriage what did you say?"

"I told him he had our support."

"So it's true? When was this?"

"It was last week, on Sunday. The 15th I believe."

Hmmm.

"Thanks daddy," I said and hung up.

I handed Les back his phone and slumped down into the chair.

"God did I misread the signs," I said trying to make myself as small as possible.

"I'm pretty sure he'll forgive you…

"No he won't Les, I really did it this time," I said and right then my stomach decided to make itself known.

"How about we go feed the beast and pick up that present for your grandmother. When we come back we can see if Tank has decided that Ranger's served enough of his term and maybe you can talk to him."

"I can't Les, I can't face him right now."

"Well how about we call him from the mall then?"

That sounded like the better alternative, so I agreed and put on my coat. After all, Les said he'd go shopping with me.

Suddenly there was a knock on Tank's door. Les opened it a notch to find Hal standing there.

Hal had a Tasty Pastry bag in his hand. He looked at me and reached his hand through the opening. I grabbed the bag and smiled at him.

"Thanks Hal. I owe you."

Of course I grabbed a donut and then offered Lester one. And as expected, he refused.

"More for me then," I said, putting the bag in my purse.

Les gave me sideways glance and then put on his own coat, which somehow was in Tank's office. I didn't ask.

"Come on Beautiful, let's go. The sooner we leave the sooner we get back."

"I'm not coming back Les, I thought I made that clear."

"Steph, you need to talk to Ranger, so either you do it from your apartment, you do it from here or you do it from the mall. You can't hide forever."

He was right, this couldn't go on forever, but at least I could postpone it for now.

Les drove while I tried to think about what he and my dad had just told me. Yeah Ranger had been quiet and secretive the last week but he was also _very_ attentive. Would a guy thinking about breaking up with you spend so much time showing you how much he loved you?

And it wasn't as if my spidey sense failed me — I'd never even felt a tingle. It was just his one word response to a question I'd asked him a long time ago that kept playing in my head. _'So I'll have to leave your bed eventually?' 'Yes.'_

Les had found a parking space while I was still thinking.

"Beautiful? You ok?"

"Yeah. Can you call Ranger for me?"

He just looked at me.

"I don't think he'll take my call, but if you call him and I get on, I may have a chance."

"Don't you want to have some pizza and get your grandmother's gift first?"

My stomach growled again. Yeah I needed a slice…or another donut. I was tempted to take the bag out of my purse and down another one, but I knew the chocolate headache would start if I didn't get some real food into me soon. Pizza won out.

Danilo's is located on the first floor of the mall, so we walked in through Lord & Taylor and made our way there. We both ordered two slices of the regular cheese and a coke. Lester had been doing some research on his phone and handed it to me after I took my second bite.

"Just Dance 2014?"

"An Xbox game for your grandmother. How much trouble can she get into with this?"

Well she could fall and break a hip, but I didn't want to think about that. I knew Les was right; she'd love it. He was on his phone again.

"One left, should I ask them to hold it for us?"

"Yes."

"Ok done," he said after a few quick strokes. We have an hour to pick it up."

I went back to my pizza feeling a little better. I'd still have to talk to Ranger but so far everything else was falling into place: food, grandma's gift and some words of encouragement. Les was on his phone again, but that was Les, sometimes he was as bad as Ranger.

We finished up and made our way upstairs to pick up the game. It was at the register waiting for us, so all I had to do was hand over my credit card. Glad I'd paid off a chunk of my balance after my last distraction job. Not that $29.95 was a large amount but I'd been living on the limit for years.

We sat down on one of the benches outside and Les took out his phone…again. This time he punched in a number and got up and walked away from me. He came back a few minutes later with a huge smile on his face. He handed me his phone.

"Ranger?" I asked tentatively.

"Babe. Please come back to Rangeman, we need to talk."

He'd used the magic word, but I was ready now anyway.

"Your office?" I asked thinking it was more neutral territory and there would be lots of people around in case this went south.

"Fine. I'll see you in a few."

I nodded although he couldn't see me. I ended the call and handed Les back his phone. Silently we both got up and headed to his car. I was in my zone and hadn't realized we were back on Haywood until Les fobbed us in and parked. He opened the passenger door for me and I noticed the elevator was on the garage level waiting. It was now or never.

I followed him in and he pressed five.

The elevator made it's way silently up and when the doors opened Ranger was standing there.

"Babe," he said pulling me to him.

Suddenly the office lights dimmed and Ranger got down on one knee.

"I was going to wait until we were alone on Christmas morning, but it seems like fate has changed my plans. Will you marry me Stephanie Plum?" he asked, producing a ring.

I just looked at him. I wasn't expecting _that_ kind of a reception.

"Stephanie? Babe?" he asked, breaking the silence.

"Ranger?" I answered slowly.

"Babe, please?"

"Yes," I said quietly, tears beginning to well in my eyes as a ring was placed on my left hand.

Suddenly the light came back on and hoots and cheers were heard in the hallway. Someone picked me up and swung me around and I opened my eyes to find myself in Ranger's arms. I looked into his eyes and then his lips came down on mine.

"I love you Stephanie. And I promise you our 'someday' has arrived."

_**Merry Christmas all and may your 'someday' be merry and bright too. Thank you all for your kind words over the years. Happy New Year!**_


End file.
